Toddler Speak - Funny Ramblings & Otherwise Embarrassing Moments

One of the best perks of parenting is watching your young children grow and develop.  Their inquisitive minds are constantly learning and asking questions.  That inquisitiveness often leads to hilarious comments and great one-liners.  They are so funny, in fact, that I began writing them down in a journal I affectionately titled “Emily-isms" after my 5-year-old daughter.  These comments generally fit into one of these categories: Religion, Education, Randomness, and Public Humility – Things I Vow Never To Repeat Again.

An important job as parents is to teach our kids basic moral values.  My husband and I take our children to church every Sunday in order to instill these values.  We often wonder if they are learning anything at all.  Considering the majority of the time is spent talking and hitting each other.   Amazingly enough, they are coming away with something.

One afternoon, I was making the kids some highly nutritious Chef Boyardee ravioli for lunch.  First Emily was calling it spaghetti and then lasagna.  Do any of us really know what’s inside that can? 

             She said, “Mom, it's lasagna just like that song in church."

            Naturally, I had no idea what she was talking about.  “That song in church?"

            “Yeah, ‘lasagna, lasagna,’" she's singing this.

            “Lasagna...oh, you mean hosanna!"

 As delicious as Chef Boyardee may be, I don’t think they’re singing songs about the guy in mass.

One day I was headed to the grocery store with the three kids.  One of my least favorite things to do and on this particular day it was Emily’s least favorite thing as well.  She did not want to go in.  She wanted to stay in the car.  Her solution to the problem was that she could watch Leah and Sean and God could watch her.

The topic of religion was not only reserved for home.  Emily is willing to impart her knowledge wherever and whenever she deems it appropriate.  Case in point: my new neighbors. 

My neighbor Jane generously invited the girls and I over for a tea party at her home.  She was telling Emily that her husband made kitchen table and chairs that we were sitting at.  It was a beautiful table.  I can’t begin to imagine the number of hours that were put into making it.  Not to mention, the talent required.  Emily, on the other hand, was not impressed.  Her reply was, “Yeah, but God made the world."

Eventually, the day comes when we have to send our little tykes off into the world on their own.  Yes, I’m talking about Preschool.  And while Emily was not impressed with my neighbor’s wood crafting ability, she was impressed with her teacher’s ability to spell her name.  Her big vocabulary is what I found impressive.

We were on our way home from school one day and Emily was looking at her art project in the car. Her teachers wrote her name on the page as they do every day.  On this day, Emily noticed something different.

  She said, “Hey, my teachers used a little i to spell my name.  That's IMPRESSIVE, usually they do it the other way."

It didn’t take long before Emily realized her teachers were the smartest people on the planet.  It also didn’t take long before she started arguing this fact with her dad.  Dad, being a computer engineer, made the unfortunate mistake of saying teachers aren’t as smart as engineers.  The very next day as I was picking Emily up from school, her teachers sent me home with a little message for dad.

With starting school, comes the natural procession of boyfriends and girlfriends.  My nephew recently finished kindergarten.  When asked if he had a girlfriend he said, “I did but she quit me."  Is that not the best definition of a breakup?

Every parent has a dream of what their children will do for their eventual career.  Doctor, lawyer, politician, teacher…  Emily said that she wants to be a mom when she grows up.  My heart melted when I heard it.  I must be doing a really awesome job, right? 

Dad said, "Oh, yeah, you want to be a mom just like your mom when you grow up?"

            "Yeah, I just want to check the weather and my email in the morning."

I don’t even have a response for that.  A mother’s work goes so unnoticed.

Kids are sweet.  They say the most adorable, off the wall things.  One of the funniest things I’ve heard so far comes from my cousin’s little boy.  He was lying on the couch with his milk and snack watching a cartoon.  His mother walked in to check on him. 

He said, “Excuse me mommy."

She said, “Oh what did you do?"

He smiled and said, “I burped in my pants!"